One of the most common and universally applicable frameworks I've shared with people is a three step approach to managing relationships and addressing unmet needs. I learned this framework almost three years ago in July 2018 when I was getting over a breakup.
Essentially, to be more understanding and compassionate, we need to evaluate our recurrent behaviors, why we do them, and what it is that we feel is missing that drives us to do these things. This framework can be applied when identifying your own behaviors, your behaviors in romantic relationships, or even behaviors in friendships or at work.
First, we have what's called an action tendency. These are behaviors or actions that we almost always do when faced with different types of stressful situations. It can be as simple as telling white lies, to more complicated things like infidelity. For me, for example, I used to tell a lot of white lies.
The second step is understanding the secondary emotions that drive this behavior. These emotions are typically things we view as negative, and therefore we tell ourselves that they are painful to experience. For example, fear of suffering, fear of inadequacy, fear of abandonment, frustration, anger, or insecurity. For me, I told white lies because I would be afraid of confrontation, afraid of abandonment, or frustrated from feeling misunderstood.
The last step is identifying unmet needs. If recurrent behaviors arise because of secondary emotions, then secondary emotions arise because of unmet needs. These are things that we subconsciouly desire at times that are so uncomfortable to be without, that we subsconsiously fall into a pattern of behavior. In the example above, what I needed most of the time was peace, acceptance, or safety.
Here's the same example in broken down step by step:
Action tendency:
Secondary emotion:
Unmet need:
You can take this and apply it to even the most extreme action tendencies. Let's take a look at one way continued infidelity can manifest:
Action tendency:
Secondary emotion:
Unmet need:
The process of applying this framework in your every day relationships (with yourself, coworkers, friends, lovers, etc.) is first to be aware. Be aware when you see your action tendencies. Sometimes you won't be able to stop yourself from doing that action tendency - and that's okay. There are times when I noticed I was going to lie, but I just couldn't stop myself. It's not about judging yourself for not stopping the behavior, but being compassionate, and understanding that at least you noticed it.
From there, your actions start to have less power over you. You'll be able to notice your secondary emotions before the actions come up. At this stage, the outcome may be more intense, but it's still a step in the right direction. You may be consumed by the secondary emotion (fear, anger, etc.) and take it out on those around you. Be compassionate with yourself, apologize to yourself, and love yourself. Again, it's not about judgment. After your emotions pass, go back inwards and try to identify that unmet need you're experiencing. This is the road to bliss.
Finally, you'll get to a point where you can see the unmet need more frequently, and more clearly. You'll be able to catch yourself before your action tendency, understand the emotion that's driving it, and then identify your unmet need in that moment. For example, when I feel like I'm about to lie now, I understand that what I need most is security and acceptance, and so I seek security and acceptance instead of lying.
From there, you have two choices: you can either seek to have that need resolved by someone else, or seek to resolve that need on your own.
When seeking resolutions from someone else, you'll be able to come at them with compassion and patience even in moments of your own distress because you can clearly identify all the reasons why you feel the way you feel and what it is that you need to heal. In my example, I would approach someone and say, "Hey, I'm feeling really afraid right now, but I want to be honest with you. I'm afraid to tell you the truth because I'm afraid of being judged. What I really need is acceptance and safety right now. I hope you understand when I tell you what I need to tell you."
While we would typically prefer to have someone else resolve that need, it's not always possible. You must accept that. If you go to someone and they can't be there for you, it's not about judging them or being upset - remember that your love is not conditional on their ability to be there for you 100% of your life. They too, have things going on sometimes where they can't be there for you. It's an impossible standard and unhealthy to look at relationships that way. In my example, if the person doesn't understand or isn't ready to talk yet for whatever reason, I'll go inwards to find security and acceptance in myself.
Instead, you'll need to fulfill the need yourself. This is otherwise known as self soothing, and is something unique to humans. It's our ability to have the cognitive depth to go inwards, rely on ourselves emotionally, and begin healing. By being able to self soothe, you'll unlock a clarity and wholeness in yourself that people fight their whole life to find. How beautiful is that?
Another important thing to consider is that action tendencies occur because of unmet needs in one's self only. People do not cause you to have these behaviors. You need to take responsibility for the actions that you take, and own it.
Let's take the extreme example of infidelity again. It's easy to say, "oh, I cheated on my spouse because they were bad to me". That's justifying your own behavior that you view as undesirable from someone else's behavior. In reality, in the example above, you cheat because maybe you feel angry that your spouse is bad to you, or you feel shame that you're with someone despite knowing they're bad to you, or maybe it's because of your own feelings of insecurity of leaving a relationship. Whatever it is, it is your secondary emotion that you experience. These emotions always come up because of an unmet need. So once again, maybe the unmet need that you have is for a loving and caring relationship, or something as simple as feeling understood. Those are your needs, and you need to understand that they're your responsibility. We cannot hide behind others to avoid healing.
This framework is a concrete way to help you approach relationships with compassion and openness.
It’s like a hole. You have to dig. Sometimes you won’t dig far enough. Sometimes you may act and perform a tendency, but not see the secondary emotion, or not see your unmet need. Eventually though you want to hone in and see everything. Eventually you’ll be able to skip the secondary emotion and when you notice a tendency you’ll be able to recognize the need you actually have and be able to satisfy it somehow. It's a journey, and even with this knowledge it took years for me to apply it regularly in the heat of the moment.
There are going to be days you go farther than others. And some where you don't go nearly far enough. That's okay.
Be compassionate with yourself and caring towards yourself. You'll do great.